I’ve been thinking a lot about my childhood. And by “I’ve been thinking” I mean everything reminds me of and relates back to my childhood. I previously went to a professional soccer game, which caused me to tear up throughout the entire first half because all I could think about was how I should have asked my Dad to come. I felt so guilty for doing the activity that we typically shared by myself. You see, I was raised to be a very nostalgic person. My family jokes that if we have done something once then it is a tradition, but surprisingly enough we have caused several traditions to stick by using this method. Anything can be a tradition. From something big like seeing the Christmas lights at the Opryland Hotel every year or something small like seeing who is the first person to find the Claxton fruit cakes in the grocery store, everything is a tradition. I was fortunate to have a positive childhood. I am extremely lucky to have fond memories with my family at Christmas time, playing soccer with my friends, and the classic and reliable childhood dog who became my best friend. I am incredibly grateful to have those formative years of my life reflect as good ones, but what I’m navigating now is how to translate the lessons that I learned then into my daily life as an adult and more importantly, to learn how to loosen my grip on the past.
What they don’t tell you until it’s too late is adulting sucks. And then when you realize it sucks, the answer is never “I’m so sorry here is a million dollars and a paid off beach house.” What’s up with that? The answer is always, “Yeah well, welcome to it.” Again, what’s up with that? This blog post may be perceived as preaching to the choir as it’s pretty obvious that I’m learning the age old lesson of growing up, but there are so many times when I wish I could just go back in time and be grateful. I wish I wouldn’t have slept through dinner so many times and I wish I would have kept playing soccer. I wish I could be visited by three ghosts on Christmas eve and tell my younger self to be grateful! To appreciate time spent at your grandparents’ house more and to stop complaining when your parents ask you to take out the trash. To watch a show on Sunday night instead of staying in your room.
I look back now and I am eternally grateful for that time of my life and I spend too much time reflecting on what I should have done differently or wishing that I could go back. When the seasons change and the daylight lessens I get very regretful and, for lack of a better word, sad. I spend too much time looking backwards and I am never appreciating what is in front of me. I know for a fact I will look back on this time too. And then I will look back on that and back and back until eventually my head gets stuck that way. Even while writing this I want to say to myself, “Kate just move on. There will be happy days ahead. (blah blah blah).” I don’t think completely moving on is entirely necessary. But what I do think is necessary is a reframing of mind.
I am a huge fan of serendipity. I am also a huge fan of easter eggs. And I don’t mind some deja vu every now and again. I think my problem is I am looking so far back that I am missing the hints of childhood that appear in my life today. For example, 1989 Taylor’s Version is coming out this Friday. This is a very important moment for me in my childhood and a formative memory between my sister and I. I have spent too much time this week leading up to Friday’s release being sad that my sister is in a different state and we can’t listen to it together. What if I reframe this thinking into being appreciative that we have something to share with each other? Being appreciative that I have a positive relationship with my sister and we are adult enough now to appreciate our time together in the past and in the present. If I reframe 1989 TV as a nostalgic event then I can reframe the idea that my childhood is lost. I can instead think of it as my childhood shining though the cracks of something I once thought was sealed off.
I can instead look for little signs of it everywhere, as no phase of your life is really lost. I had that time and it is over for a reason, which is still hard to accept. Every season is one worth learning from and every season of life has something to teach you. I am so blessed to have had this time in my life to remember and from it I should take away the importance of family. In the future I will take the the time to be grateful that I am nostalgic of my childhood because this is not a universal experience. And I will be certain to look for its little signs, lighting my path along the way.
